My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
