Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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