I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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