why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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