Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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