Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
