Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm both gender and math confused
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
