The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
