did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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