Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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