TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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