By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
