boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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