dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
