tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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