just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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