The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
