my phone needs a breathalizer
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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