Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
