That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
