I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
