I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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