Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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