I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
