I didn't shave. On purpose
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
