dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
