his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
