I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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