I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
