I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize
