he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
