I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
