she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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