My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
