kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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