i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
