sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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