maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
