the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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