Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize