Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
