i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
