He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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