Will you blow on my dice?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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