i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
