if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
