Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I love how my cats smell like pot.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
