omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
