I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
