at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
and she was petting her beer can
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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