Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize