I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
