i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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