On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
