found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
