I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
