I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
