My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
