can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
