I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
