Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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