Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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