Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
