you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
