A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize