I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize