Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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