She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
