Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
