tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Randomize
