What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
