Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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