3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
