fuck your aforementioned shoe
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
