My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
